“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill