“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml