"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"