“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Monday should be optional.”
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins