“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown