"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.