“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman