"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar