"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason