“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.