“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris