“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.