Somebody Jokes

"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Somebody asked, "Were you always this tall?". So I replied, "Nope, I started short but grew unlike you".
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”

- Betty White.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
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