Putting Jokes

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
โ€œIf you think dogs canโ€™t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.โ€

- Phil Pastoret.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Itโ€™s a good thing weโ€™re bad at puzzles because there is no way weโ€™re putting this shit back together.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didnโ€™t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I do find that flamingos donโ€™t plan very well for the futureโ€ฆ Theyโ€™re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
"Motherhood โ€“ when 90% of your time is spent putting other peopleโ€™s crap away." โ€” Anonymous
โ€œIโ€™m totally โ€˜that dadโ€™ who leaves a note in my sonโ€™s lunch box. One day Iโ€™ll actually start putting food in there also.โ€

- Steve Ryan.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
โ€œKnowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.โ€
โ€” Anonymous
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