Near

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Why aren't prostitutes allowed near prisons?
Because a sentence shouldn't end with a proposition.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.