Near Jokes

Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
My Little Chocolate Mess

Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.

Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!

In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!

(Darlene Gifford)
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
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