Keeps Jokes

What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Can you be the fence that keeps me from freedom?
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
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