A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

Yard Puns

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"

Crocodile Puns

That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.

Meat Puns

My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?

Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.

Funny Animal Quotes

“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”

- Jeff Foxworthy.

Cherry Puns

Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”

Tiger Puns

Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.

Funny Birthday Poems

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

Onion Puns

I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.

My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?

Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.

Funny Health Quotes

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin

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