"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.