When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

"Sweet Misery"

When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!

— Susanna Rose

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

"My Dog"

My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.

His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.

He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.

I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!

– Steve Hanson

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.