There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.