The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.