Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.