A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.