I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!