Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.