Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.