There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.