Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas