A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.