Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.