They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.