When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.