lustgas till engelska Jokes

Eddie woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He ran to the closet with his cellphone and called the police. The police who arrived just in time and arrested the intruder as he was exiting the house with their jewelry and cash. The Next day Eddie went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar. "You can't do that." said the duty sergeant, "You'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him?" "Well," said Eddie, "he got into my house and into our bedroom at 2 am without waking up my wife. I've got to know how he did it."

A new general was allotted to a new army base. After some time in the base he realized how there were two army men guarding an empty bench in shifts. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been a tradition here since joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through the past generals of that base till he found the one that was in charge 35 years ago. He attempted to find him, and found that he had retired and he lived in the countryside now. He contacted him and requested to meet. On the day of the meeting the general asked the retired commander why that bench was guarded so much. The commander was shocked. “So you’re telling me the paint on that bench hasn’t dried yet?!”

The animal I really dig, Above all others is the pig. Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever, Pigs are courteous. However, Now and then, to break this rule, One meets a pig who is a fool. What, for example, would you say, If strolling through the woods one day, Right there in front of you you saw A pig who'd built his house of STRAW? The Wolf who saw it licked his lips, And said, 'That pig has had his chips.' 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!' 'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!' 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!' The little pig began to pray, But Wolfie blew his house away. He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham! Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!' And though he ate the pig quite fast, He carefully kept the tail till last. Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated. Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted Another little house for pigs, And this one had been built of TWIGS! 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!' 'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!' 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!' The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!' He then began to blow and blow. The little pig began to squeal. He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal! Why can't we talk and make a deal? The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!' And soon the pig was in his belly. 'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried, 'But still I'm not quite satisfied! I know how full my tummy's bulging, But oh, how I adore indulging.' So creeping quietly as a mouse, The Wolf approached another house, A house which also had inside A little piggy trying to hide. 'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried. 'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied. 'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff, And I don't think you've got enough.' Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew. The house stayed up as good as new. 'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said, I'll have to blow it up instead. I'll come back in the dead of night And blow it up with dynamite!' Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!' Then, picking up the telephone, He dialed as quickly as he could The number of red Riding Hood. 'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who? Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?' Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood! Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?' 'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied. 'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried. 'I know you've dealt with wolves before, And now I've got one at my door!' 'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet, That's something really up my street. I've just begun to wash my hair. But when it's dry, I'll be right there.' A short while later, through the wood, Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood. The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze, And yellowish, like mayonnaise. His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw, And spit was dripping from his jaw. Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers. She draws the pistol from her knickers. Once more she hits the vital spot, And kills him with a single shot. Pig, peeping through the window, stood And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!' Ah, Piglet, you must never trust Young ladies from the upper crust. For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes, Not only has two wolfskin coats, But when she goes from place to place, She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." "Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far. Next, it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

Hear eye sit inn English class; the likelihood is that eye won't pass An F on my report card wood bee worse than swallowing glass It's knot that eye haven't studied, often till late at knight Butt the rules are sew confusing, eye simply can't get them write Hour teacher says, "Heed my advice, ewe must study and sacrifice" Butt if mouses are mice and louses are lice, how come blouses aren't blice The confusion really abounds when adding esses two nouns Gooses are geese, butt mooses aren't meese; somebody scent in the clowns Two ultimatums are ultimata, and a couple of datum are data Sew wouldn't ewe expect it wood bee correct fore a bunch of plums to be plata? And if more than won octopus are octopi, and the plural of ox is oxen Shouldn't a couple of busses bee bussi and a pare of foxes bee foxen? Let's talk about spelling a wile, specifically letters witch are silent Words like "psychologist" and "wreck" shirley make awl of us violent And another example quite plane witch is really hard two explain If it's eye before e except after sea, then what about feign and reign? The final exam will determine how eye due, weather eye pass ore fail I halve prepared as much as eye can down two the last detail I'm ready two give it my vary best inn just a little wile And then isle take a relaxing wrest on a tropical aisle. (By Alan Balter)

An Army Recruit from the Australian outback sends a letter home: 'Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope you are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit, and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila.'

A blonde lived with two blonde roommates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over. When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. They offer to send the car to a mechanic but she'd have to pay for it. She tells them she has absolutely no money. Couldn't they just send someone anyway? The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents. A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“

A blonde lived with two blonde room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over. When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents. A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”. “You dummy” one of her blonde roommates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.” Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.” Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.” Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.” Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.” The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy pipes up again. Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.” Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.” Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.” Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.” Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.” Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.” Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.” Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.” Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?” Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?” Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.” Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.” Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?” Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.” The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??” Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.” Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.” Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?” Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”