Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.