Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.