It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.