A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.