You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.