A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”