I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”