Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.