When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.