A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.