Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.