A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
You know what they say? Words.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Knock knock.
Come in.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.