If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Knock knock.
Come in.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
You know what they say? Words.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.