Funny Tax Quotes

Check out these famous and hilariously witty quotes about taxes!

Funny Tax Quotes

“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers