“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West