"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."