Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.

Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.

Child: Yea...

Dad: Then why is there only one?
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together