Tie Jokes

May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
The Thirsty Criminal
The Thirsty Criminal A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun. He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties. 'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal. The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!" 'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!" Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting. "Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man. "They won't let me in without a tie..."
The Sad Occasion
The Sad Occasion One day, a senior man awoke and made his way to the community breakfast room of his nursing home. He looked awful, quite forlorn. Ms. Rudder, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Ferguson allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Rudder knew that Mr. Ferguson was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Ferguson was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Rudder whereupon, although somewhat startled, she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. "Today is the viewing."
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
You’re so tall that when you tie your shoes, you accidentally tie the shoelaces together.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
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