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Tie

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
The Thirsty Criminal
The Thirsty Criminal A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun. He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties. 'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal. The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!" 'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!" Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting. "Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man. "They won't let me in without a tie..."
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
The Sad Occasion
The Sad Occasion One day, a senior man awoke and made his way to the community breakfast room of his nursing home. \ He looked awful, quite forlorn. Ms. Rudder, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Ferguson allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Rudder knew that Mr. Ferguson was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Ferguson was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Rudder whereupon, although somewhat startled, she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. "Today is the viewing."