Lives Jokes

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

- Erma Bombeck.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”

- Sue Murphy.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
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