Knew Jokes

My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
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