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Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.