Instead Jokes

"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?

Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Lose the sled and ride me instead.
I lost my scarf. Want to wrap those legs around me instead?
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Are you a can? Because when I put my cucumber in, I pull out a pickle instead.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
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