A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I’m not gonna die the same way.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Are you a flight attendant? Because you're gonna be plane with this d**k soon.
Is your name Tanya? Cuz I'm gonna tan ya ass.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.

HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
If your gonna be two faced, honey at least make one of them pretty.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.