Ever

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened to me.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I have a lot of cute names for my girlfriend, but ever since she’s been in a coma, I just cauliflower.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life.
Like my name, address and telephone number.