My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony. I told him that was daylight robbery.
The Entrance Exam to Heaven
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.
A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"
The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.
The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he had returned with the manager.
Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied: "The balcony".
An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir.
"Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.
"I'm sorry Boss," Said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least."
"What do you mean?!?" Asks the boss with derision. "Who can you possibly know?"
"Name someone famous," shrugged Dave, "I'll bet you I know him."
Amused, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about... Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?" He smirks.
"Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Though impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
Stalin steps out on the balcony of the Kremlin one morning and sees the sun rise.
"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.
"Good morning, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.
Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to the NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria, he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun".
"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin," the Sun replies.
As he goes for his evening jog on the Kremlin's grounds, he says, "Good evening, Comrade Sun"
"I said 'Good evening, Comrade Sun!'" Stalin says, his anger rising.
The Sun replies, "Screw you, I'm in the West now."
Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment.
He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.